Feeling Like a Traitor

 

Dr. Rammahan and Dr. Kim left us with a partially open door. It was the one week radiology treatment. It might give Dad a little more time. At first, it seemed Dad wanted to go ahead with it. He loves Jesus and knows he's bound for heaven, but he's not in a hurry to leave us 

And we can't bear to let him go.  

However, there are some dangers inherent in radiation. Here is the warning from a cancer center website:

When radiation therapy is directed at a tumor, the powerful beams can damage surrounding healthy cells. This can cause side effects. Patients experience fatigue, radiation dermatitis (red, irritated, swollen or blistered skin), hair loss and low blood counts. Specifically for patients going through radiation therapy for glioblastoma, they may experience headaches, nausea, vomiting, hearing loss, seizures and trouble with memory or speech. 

I spoke to my GP at church and he confirmed it would make Dad much weaker. Dad's home health nurse said she'd seen patients in Dad's situation experience the list from hell's menu of torments in the last sentence. "It may give him a little more time, but it's not good time," she said. "It's not a good trade."

I want to honor my father and follow his wishes.  He is still aware of his situation, but each day he slips away a little more. It became obvious that he can no longer make that decision. So when his GP, Dr. Morrison, recommended hospice when we were at his appointment on Monday, I didn't mention the possible radiation. 

And neither did Dad.

Today, the hospice people came and explained their program. I believe they will help us keep Dad as comfortable and safe as possible. They will provide medical equipment to help care for him, a shower chair and bedside commode we can fit over his stool so he has arms to push on when he's ready to stand. Once he realized it doesn't mean he'll see less of us, he seemed on board with it and really liked the chaplain who came.  

At first Dad started to sign the forms to start the program, but then seemed to become confused with so many people in the room and several different conversations going on at once. He initialed RLT in his beautiful "Palmer-method" script and then couldn't finish. So since I have Dad's Durable Power of Attorney, it fell to me to sign all the documents. 

Oh, God! I never thought I'd have to sign a DNR for my Dad. I know it's his wish because he has an Advance Directive, but it still felt like such a betrayal. I don't dare let loose and wail like I want to for fear I'll never stop.

The one bright spot of the day was when Shannon, the RN, and Mary. the Nurse Practitioner, told us it was obvious Dad has been well cared for. They'll help us along the way as his needs change with advice, support, equipment and training. 

They promised to return tomorrow in case we thought of any more questions. 

We'll eat an early supper and then go check on the folks to make sure everything's okay. Tonight we have choir at 7. I'm partly looking forward to it and partly dreading it because all our friends will want to know how Dad is. 

It's so hard to talk about.